You may say I'm a dreamer

Some of my dreams lately:

1 - I was at Lexy's house only it wasn't her house. There was some random unknown guy there who kept throwing bits of bread at me.


2 - I was at the same (non) Lexy's house only this time it caught on fire. Not her actual house but a small building outside her house, a wood shed maybe?

3 - I was at a bar with Shannon. There was a large bag of something that people were helping themselves to.

4 - I was in a larger city, in a bar. Lexy's band was playing a show. I was there with X and he ended up leaving me. Casey sang me a really mean song and then we started dancing. Everybody else left but he waited for me. I caught a ride home with Thuma, some random guy and Casey. There was a kids car seat in the back of the car. I can remember how things felt and smelled and all kinds of crazy random details.

Soapbox

Anybody who has paid attention for 15 seconds will know who I support in the presidential blah blah going on. If you don't know... well I don't know what to say.

Moving onward...

I hear so many people saying "Well if he were a valid candidate I'd vote for him..." What the frick? If you like him VOTE FOR HIM!!! What makes a "valid candidate" anyway? Is it somebody that is a big name? Or is it somebody who could make a difference and has strong beliefs? Maybe if all these people, with all these kinds of comments would get off their asses and vote for the person that they think would do the best job instead of the big name that is already getting votes? How the hell do you think a "valid candidate" is made? People vote for them!!! Did it ever cross your mind that you could be the one that helps him become "valid"? Your little part is part of a greater whole, ya know. STAND UP FOR WHAT / WHO YOU BELIEVE IN!!! Don't just vote for the "lesser of the evils" vote for the person you believe will do the best job. How is it possible that nobody can seem to grasp that idea?

Ugh!

Happy New Year! ... and a little before ...

The Saturday before New Years I went down to OKC for a show. My original plan was to catch a ride with two friends and go down on Friday night and then on to NM until Tuesday night. Well, I couldn't find anybody to watch my kids Friday thru Sunday so that was scratched. My mom finally agreed to watch them for the short time I was actually gone so I was happy with that. Lexy, Carli and Ursula got here around 7ish and we were "off like a prom dress" (that was for Cat, I gave Casey a "verbal head thump" last night on the phone because I forgot to give him a real one when I saw him. he wanted to let you know that he learned that phrase from a chick band so thats supposed to make it better or something...). The show was great and I got to see a friend that I haven't seen in forfreakingever and that was awesome! After the show was an amazing jam session. I felt completely and utterly UNmusical during that. I really wish I could play one of the many instruments I own. When we were finally ready for sleep the three of us (Lexy, Ursula and I) all piled onto a sofa bed and ended up spooning to stay warm. I finally got home Sunday afternoon.

Monday afternoon (NYE) I drove to Cottonwood Falls to visit Lexy. I ended up "crashing" a wedding but thats okay because I helped make and serve the food. I drank maybe just a little too much (Cody Melissa and I finished a bottle of bubbly in record time) and had all kinds of fun. I realized that this feeling I've had that I need to move away from Wichita is a lot stronger than I first thought and it isn't going away. It's really causing me to reevaluate my life plans in a serious way. My plan for now is to stay here for school and then pack up and go but we all know how my plans go.

Fast forward to today. Today has been more stressful than most of the days I've had lately and absolutely the most stressful day of the year thus far (haha its only the 3rd). Luckily I have some friends who are nothing less than great and come to my rescue without my even asking.

BEST EVER!!!

I don't think I've had a weekend this good in a LONG time... if ever. It was a long week so when my neighbors offered to babysit, I said "Sure! Let me pack!" and off I went to Lawrence. I'd only planned to stay a few hours and come right back home but plans, they do change. The plan was to go to a barn dance and maybe chat with somebody I didn't really know. It turns out that this person and his friends happen to be wonderful! They included me in their group like I'd been there the whole time. We danced. Then we went to somebody's house while trying to decide what else to do. We eventually decided to go to a bar to see some band. It was fun but I and a few others were pretty hungry so after we left, we hit Perkins. Three of the four of us ordered the same thing and only one of us finished all of what we ordered (and then some lol). By this time it was like 2:30 in the morning and we were starting to get tired so we headed back to somebody's house where I'd been invited to crash. We all (7 of us I think) sat around talking and playing CatchPhrase. What a hoot! The time finally came for us to give in to sleep. I was so generously given the air mattress, comfy blankets and pillow so I thought I'd drift right off to dreamland.... NOPE! I tossed and turned for awhile, really wanting a glass of water but not wanting to wake anybody to get it, until I finally passed out. I didn't wake up until around 11am and started to feel bad that I wasn't back at home since I'd told the sitters I'd be back "around 1 or 2" meaning 9-10 hours before the current time. There was no way to get in touch with them though so I just decided to relax. We had breakfast and then I left to come home. I know it all sounds simple but it was just what I needed. I think I'll go back next month.

Too long

It's been far too long since I've written about what is actually going on inside of me. I've written about outside events and even touched on how they make me feel but I haven't jumped into the WHY of it all. I'm not even sure if I know the why. All I know is that I feel so confused. Like so much is going on but at the same time things are standing still. I want things that I know I can't have, at least right now. I keep trying to keep my attention where it needs to be but the harder I try the harder it gets. I'm coming back to that time in my life where all I want is a hug. I want to be able to trust somebody to the point where I can just cry and be held. I suddenly love the feeling of tears running down my face. I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak, I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome. I know that my heart is hurting and I know that my soul, it aches and I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome. I HURT DAMN IT!!! I know this is an attack. I'm such an easy target. Everybody knows what I'm afraid of so it surely wouldn't take much work for the enemy to figure it out. I find myself tempted with things that seem to fill the void but I know they won't. What hurts even more is that when I'm weak and wanting to follow those temptations, I can't. I can't find what I think I want at the time, leaving me to feel that much more alone. I just need somebody I can talk to about love. Not in a mushy relationship kind of way but in a God kind of way. How He wants to be our first love, the one we turn to in every situation, our lover, healer, deliverer. He wants to be our everything and we just don't let him. If we could just shut up for a single minute and listen to Him we'd hear just a fraction of what He has to tell us and we'd be blown away for a good long time, just meditating on those few words. We'd hear about where we've come from, where we are, where we'll go... We'd hear the most romantic words. Words that would fill a lifetime of void. All that in just a minute. Can you imagine something so great? For Somebody to truly love our souls is such an amazing thing. I don't know that I could ever love somebody for exactly what they are at this very minute, not even knowing all the things they've done and thought in the past. I am just flabbergasted that He can. That he does. For everybody. Not just me and my nastiness, but for everybody. EVERYBODY!!! Are you hearing me? It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, He LOVES you on a level that you could never understand, even if you lived to be a thousand years old. I want more than anything to be caught up in that love. To feel His arms around me when I'm lonely and even when I'm not. To have His shoulder to cry on at a moments notice because He knows that I'm going to cry long before I do. Lord, please show me what it means to truly love and be loved. I want to give my all into the people around me, to help them, to show them love in a way that they have never seen.

Why?

Why is it that males in my life play me like a game? They start something and then just drop cold. It hurts. Half the time they don't realize what they're doing but thats no excuse. Just this morning I was wrapped in his arms, warm and happy. Now I'm alone again. He says he regrets it. Great, now I'm a regret, I love that. Right. I should just hole myself up and never talk to anybody again. If it weren't for my kids I think I'd do just that.

Not much

My heart just hurts and I'm lonely.

Sorry I don't have anything happier to say.

It's going to be a long 72 hours.