Too long

It's been far too long since I've written about what is actually going on inside of me. I've written about outside events and even touched on how they make me feel but I haven't jumped into the WHY of it all. I'm not even sure if I know the why. All I know is that I feel so confused. Like so much is going on but at the same time things are standing still. I want things that I know I can't have, at least right now. I keep trying to keep my attention where it needs to be but the harder I try the harder it gets. I'm coming back to that time in my life where all I want is a hug. I want to be able to trust somebody to the point where I can just cry and be held. I suddenly love the feeling of tears running down my face. I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak, I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome. I know that my heart is hurting and I know that my soul, it aches and I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome. I HURT DAMN IT!!! I know this is an attack. I'm such an easy target. Everybody knows what I'm afraid of so it surely wouldn't take much work for the enemy to figure it out. I find myself tempted with things that seem to fill the void but I know they won't. What hurts even more is that when I'm weak and wanting to follow those temptations, I can't. I can't find what I think I want at the time, leaving me to feel that much more alone. I just need somebody I can talk to about love. Not in a mushy relationship kind of way but in a God kind of way. How He wants to be our first love, the one we turn to in every situation, our lover, healer, deliverer. He wants to be our everything and we just don't let him. If we could just shut up for a single minute and listen to Him we'd hear just a fraction of what He has to tell us and we'd be blown away for a good long time, just meditating on those few words. We'd hear about where we've come from, where we are, where we'll go... We'd hear the most romantic words. Words that would fill a lifetime of void. All that in just a minute. Can you imagine something so great? For Somebody to truly love our souls is such an amazing thing. I don't know that I could ever love somebody for exactly what they are at this very minute, not even knowing all the things they've done and thought in the past. I am just flabbergasted that He can. That he does. For everybody. Not just me and my nastiness, but for everybody. EVERYBODY!!! Are you hearing me? It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, He LOVES you on a level that you could never understand, even if you lived to be a thousand years old. I want more than anything to be caught up in that love. To feel His arms around me when I'm lonely and even when I'm not. To have His shoulder to cry on at a moments notice because He knows that I'm going to cry long before I do. Lord, please show me what it means to truly love and be loved. I want to give my all into the people around me, to help them, to show them love in a way that they have never seen.