First up, then down then start again.

I feel like a super bounce ball sometimes. Today started well, then went WAY downhill and now its pretty darn good again. I could handle it being a few degrees warmer outside and maybe having the guts to sing but other than that, its a good night. Scratch the warmer thing, I just want a hug :)

.

Sometimes it just feels good to cry. For no good reason. I really need a hug and it seems like it will be forever until I get one... if I get one at all.

Guh

I've been journaling a lot more on paper lately. I cut my hair. Short. Ultra short actually. And it's red now. Ultra red actually. It wasn't supposed to be this red but I kind of like it. I enjoy being able to shower at night without the worry of my hair molding while I sleep. I love running my fingers through my hair. It really is amazing. I guess that is one of the simple pleasures of life. I'm finding that with the short hair I'm becoming way more girly. Not in my actions because I think I'd reached the peak of girliness there but in my appearance. I bought lip gloss today! Can you believe that? Lip gloss! What is the world coming to? Have I mentioned the high heels? I bought two pairs of high heels (well, one pair are actually wedges... but still). WTF? Then again I bought those before I cut my hair so maybe its not my hairs fault. My poor laptop is broken. Badly. I won't name names of who did it *coughtimothycough* but I'm pretty steamed. I'm going to have to see if it'll be covered under warenty. If not, I guess I get to work on a broken laptop. I'm babysitting a cute little guy. He's 2.5 and just adorable. And smart. I'm loving it. I'm not sure if this is a paying gig or not. I'm not sure how to bring that up. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

Sigh

I asked. I didn't even get rejected, I just didn't get an answer. Thats almost worse. I just wanted somebody to talk to...

Easy. Or not!

It's been a rough week. I think its all sinking in. Single mom. New school year. No money. All alone. It's all a bit too much for me right now it seems. It's pitch black out here and God is whispering to me on the wind. This is exactly what I need, if I'd just let myself take what He is giving. I wish I had somebody to sit next to me, to just listen to me say nothing, to pray over me, to let me be me without trying to change me. I want to ask somebody to come sit with me but I'm scared. It will likely look like something it isn't if I do this

Goodbye

It hurts to say goodbye. Almost a physical pain. Even if you're only saying goodbye to an imagination. I did it because I had to. It is a sacrifice. It was holding me back. I might be sad now but I'll be happier in the end. I completely cut it out, there is not a trace left. Please let it stop hurting.

Once again

I started a new journal tonight. I thought I was completely honest here but I found myself having to think of special ways to say things because you just never know who might be reading. I'm okay with that for the most part. I'll still post here and share little bits of my life since I know SO many people care to read it. But the new one... I can be completely open, I can share the intimate details of my life. I can laugh and cry and talk about all the down deep dirty things of my being. It's nice.

Coffee

I had coffee with a male today. It was very comfortable and natural, even if we talked about some pretty weird things. I really like being comfortable with people. I know that sounds much like a "duh" statement but I know a few people who like the awkward conversation you get with a stranger. This was like sitting down with somebody I've known for a bit and just chatting. When we weren't talking, it wasn't uncomfortable at all. I would knit and he was sketching. Somebody asked me if there was a spark. I really don't know if there was or not, I wasn't looking for it. I'm just content having friendships right now, I don't need more. Yes, I WANT more, but I don't need it and I've come to a place where I'm starting to want what I need. I think that might mean that I'm starting to want God's will. Not that I haven't always wanted it on a superficial level. I think most Christians say "I want God's will for my life" but I'm not sure they all mean it, especially when it comes to not getting something their flesh wants. I won't lie, my flesh would love a warm body next to me in bed, arms around me and all kinds of physical affection. After all, physical touch is my love language. It's how I show and receive love the most effectively. I love hugs. I love kisses. I love holding hands. I love it when you walk by me and touch my shoulder as you pass. But right now that just isn't what I need. Not in a romantic way at least. Anyhow, coffee was nice and I'd like to do something like that again sometime.

Oh my mercy!

You just wouldn't believe the extreme embarrassment I had to endure today. I don't even know if I can put words to it. Lets just say that a secret I'd kept pretty close to my heart was spilled today. I just want to crawl into a hole. I've been told not to be embarrassed about it but I can't see how thats even an option. I'm going to walk around for the next oh.... year and a half with a completely bright red face. We're talking like 9 shades of red. I'm thinking that I might try to lay low for a time. I don't know how well that will actually work though. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Throw a guh and a spluh in there too. Oh and an oh my goodness goodness too.