Free ink. Chores. Saturday. Missing.

So, my mom was telling me last night how they were having a friend over to do some tattoo work on her jerk boyfriend. I thought that was really cool and was (maybe no so) secretly jealous because I want some stuff done. Well, she texted me later and said that they'd gotten started and oh... they're bringing her up here tomorrow! Yeah, to work on me! I'm so fricking excited that there just aren't words for it. I'm going to get a tree on my right ankle / calf to cover my previous tattoo and if there is time I'd like a pink ribbon on my left breast. And, if you can stand it, there is more excitement on top of all of this... *Somebody* said he'd design the tree for me!!! WOOT!

Of course this means that I have to have the house 100% clean by tomorrow. I'm on my 4th load of laundry already and my grandpa is coming over later to help me figure out how to connect the dishwasher to the sink (its portable). Once I can use the dishwasher I think things will be darn near perfect. Well, maybe not perfect but it will be an improvement.

Lexy will be playing at the Artichoke tomorrow. She is absolutely awesome and super cool and wonderful and fantastic and neat and great and fabulous adn on and on and on... I'm not even saying that because she put me on "the list" although that is just about as exciting as the free tattoos. A friend said that we need to party like we did last summer. I'm not sure if thats going to happen but it'd be great if it did. I sure don't think I'll drink like I did but we were all so happy, I want that back.

I really miss having my best friend. I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling about it and she blamed me because I don't just come over uninvited and she started talking to me like I was 5 years old and telling me everything that I do wrong. No thank you. I don't need that.

Hello...

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

How could a wonderful evening that ended in those words, spoken by Mandy Patinkin himself have ended so badly? I'll tell you how. I realized tonight that I've lost my best friend. Things have been weird between us for a few weeks now. We don't talk on the phone much and we hardly see each other but it was tonight when she said "When we were all hanging out last Friday..." and I wasn't part of the "all" that I knew she'd moved on. It hurts so bad. What do you do when you need to cry but the shoulder you used to cry on is the reason you're crying? I can't very well call her while crying and expect her to comfort me. Why can't things be the way they used to be? Why do they have to change?

That tingle

Not the good kind either. I'm talking about that tingle in your nose and that burning in your eyes that happens before you cry. I've had that all day. I just want to cry but I refuse to do it alone. I went to the house for the last time today and it was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. There was a LOT that I wanted that I didn't get to take. What hurt the most was when I saw our bed. We got that bed when my oldest was a newborn. The rest of our children were conceived in that bed. I brought babies home to that bed. Something about it just makes me sad. I was supposed to have a happily ever after damnit! It wasn't supposed to end this way. There is a part of myself that I will never recover from this wreckage. It's amazing how one minute you think you want something and the next minute you don't want it anymore.