Why just one?

I just heard one singular sound on TV and it hit me hard. It wasn't a voice speaking or singing, it wasn't any kind of music at all. It was the sound of keys landing on a table. It made me realize that I miss the sound of somebody coming home to me. Not that I miss any certain person, just that I miss having a best friend to share the rest of my life with. Don't get me wrong, I have a best friend that I can tell anything, what I don't have is a male counterpart. I don't even want a romantic relationship per se, I just want somebody who can give me a different point of view. Scratch that, someday I DO want romance. I want to be swept off my feet and chased, even after I'm caught. I am however very leary of entering into a romantic type relationship. Not only because of my own hesitation but because of my child. You see, my child has been asking when they will have a step dad. I finally asked why there was such concern about this and was met with a painfully unexpected answer. I was informed that "now that you and Daddy aren't married anymore, that means that he isn't my daddy now." As hard as it was, I stuck up for their Daddy. I reinforced the fact that yes, he was still their daddy, always would be and would always love them. And then I heard the comment that would rip out my heart. My child said "Then why doesn't he come visit us?" I can't get into something that would hurt them. I'm so very torn. I want companionship. I want romance. I want passion. I want love. Yet, I feel so held back because I refuse to let my children get hurt for some paltry quest of mine. Nothing will ever come before my children. I live for them. I would die for them. Sometimes I just wonder what the "right" thing to do is.

It's about darn time

It's 2pm (ish) and I'm just now getting around to posting here. It was a somewhat busy morning. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment so we had to find two shoes for everybody and you just have no clue how hard that can be. I know, it sounds easy but in reality it isn't. I had to stop and get some gas money from a family member because I wasn't sure I could actually make it to and from the doc's office. Anyhow, I'm apparently 6 pounds lighter than I was 3 months ago. I think thats insane because I've actually put on quite a bit of weight. Oh well, we'll go with the 6lb loss :) I had blood work done of course. I saw an old friend as we were leaving and that was nice. Now on to the old news...

My court date. It went way better than I could have imagined. It's still not over and got continued... again. But the fact that the Respondent didn't show up spoke volumes. Couple that with the fact that the Respondent has shown proof that they have lied about some things, my case is looking better and better. Right now, if nothing changes, I'm conservatively expected to have a 75% chance of getting what I want. I like that.

What is going on with a certain male. This is where I try with all of my ability to NOT be girly. I usually fail. Miserably. I giggle and turn red. I lose words. Apparently I wasn't correct in my assumption of his availability. I also think that when I saw hurt in his eyes that I was right. I know he'll probably never tell me, but thats what I think. He is apparently "a little heartbroken" right now. He is also "single" and looking for "dating" or "a relationship" as well as "friends." I'm not sure I fit into any of those places. Not saying I don't wish like mad that I did though. I'd love to at least be his friend but we'll see... His mom told me I looked like a princess at church on Sunday. That was nice. I really like her, she's about the neatest woman I know right now.

In other news... I knit now!!! A friend taught me how to on Monday. I'm making a washcloth with a mother and baby on it right now. I was something like 9 rows into it and the boys frogged the whole thing so I got to start over. Thats okay, I started again with smaller needles and I'm really liking how it looks. I'm loving the ability to create something with my hands. I've looked for a hobby for so long and I'm so glad to have found it. When I'm done, I'll take pictures. I might even post them here. I just don't know, it depends on how it looks.

Late

Tomorrow I need to remember to write about a few things.

* My court date.
* What is going on with a certain male.
* ...

Okay, maybe there are only two things for me to write about. So far that is. It's just so late and I'm totally wiped out.

A different him this time

So he thinks he's so generous. He feels so proud of himself, "like a giant" because he is helping strangers. WHAT ABOUT HIS CHILDREN?!?! It's great that he gives strangers rides in bad neighborhoods and gives strangers money but why has he not paid a drop of child support? He can afford to drop a tank of gas on a late night drive but he can't give money so his kids have what they need? He buys school supplies but doesn't bother to look at the list and buys mostly unusable junk, leaving me to return / replace it. If you split the money my family has until next month it would leave us each with $1. I'm not even lying about that. We have $4 to survive for the next week. That doesn't bother me as much as it sounds like it does. We'll make it. What bothers me the most is that he just doesn't care about his kids. He's fighting for shared custody and yet he can't call to ask about them? He can't send a text message? He can't message me online or email? It isn't like there is no way to contact us, in reality we are very easy to reach. Then I ask him if he wants to see the boys tonight. Of course it was because I wanted to go to church. I guess the thought of "helping" me that scares him away from seeing the kids because he told me he had plans at 7. Thats all well and good but then I see blog posts from him at 7:12. I guess his big plans were going to BK to use the internet. He chose stupid technology over his kids... again. It really shouldn't surprise me I guess but it still hurts. The absolute worst part is that I was stupid enough to mention seeing him to the kids. I should know from my own childhood to just stay quiet until its actually happening but I failed. Now I know how my mom must have felt. It sucks. Bad.

No, I don't have to

He just signed on. I know I've said that its over, that I don't care about him anymore but I see his name there and I wonder if I lied. I may or may not still get a small flutter in my stomach when I think about him. But he doesn't want to even be my friend, or so it seems. I try to reach out and be friendly but he won't open up. He doesn't answer me when I talk to him. If by some chance he does say anything, its just a simple answer. There is no conversation there, just questions and answers, sometimes. Why can't I just be open to him and say something like "Why can't I be your friend?" Because its lame, thats why. I should be used to lame, but something in me tries to avoid it, and usually fails. I don't even know why I like him. I don't know him. I just feel drawn to him for some reason. Why? I don't find him "hot" or "sexy." I'm not in any way sexually attracted to him. Maybe I do just want to be his friend. But seeing him worship makes me think that I want to be with him. Or somebody like him maybe. I want somebody who loves to worship and can do it freely. I want somebody who has a passion for Jesus. Who loves Him with more than words. I think I may be a little "different" if you will but sometimes I can see things in people. It's very true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I can see pain and joy in people. I think it weirds them out though because on the few occasions I've called them on it I don't get the most positive responses. I wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe work on a better way to tell people what I see. But really, I lean more in the direction of keeping my mouth shut. Sigh. Why can't I just talk to him?

I like You. You're neat!

It was a good day at church. I've started going to both morning services since I can't go to Sunday evening service. I'm consumed by the love of worship lately. It's amazing how just a short amount of time can change how you react to the Spirit and the same songs.

First service: The songs were all happy songs. Nothing deep or moving per se, just happy. And yet I cried. No. I bawled. I wanted to rejoice and be glad but my heart hurt. I tried to hold back but I couldn't and I just sobbed. It was all I could do and it was a great release.

Second service: Same songs. Still happy. The difference was this time, I was happy too. Before we started worshiping, I had every intention of crying again. I thought thats what I wanted. In fact, it IS what I wanted, its just not what God wanted of me. There were still tears but they came from happiness.

I LOVE how God can change a heart so quickly. I'm still in somewhat of a funk but I'm not worried about it. I know I'll come through it and see the other side. I just hope that I can stay focused while I am in the valley and not give way to over reacting.

Saturday

Today is one of those days where I'm just in awe of the simplicity of life. Other than the laptop and one singular light over the kitchen sink, there is nothing electric running in the house. It is sunny outside and that is flooding through the windows. The kids are cleaning their rooms... wait for it... happily. I'm sitting here, content with life. There are things I want but really, I'm happy. It's like God is just surrounding me with peace and I really like that. I have a dopey smile on my face :) I had a simple lunch of a bowl of rice. It's times like these when I wish I sang. I feel like I could just burst out in song. I don't know what song, but just something loud and soulful. For once in a long time, I don't even long to be with friends. I'm happy with our little family day. I think thats what it is that is making me happy today. It reminds me of my childhood. Here I am, with my kids, in the house where I grew up, spending a Saturday the way I did as a child, just having an easy day. I realize that I keep saying the same things over and over. I'm happy. But its all I have in me to type right now. I don't know what else to say. I love days where I don't have to do anything, that I can just sit here and think and play with my kids and just... be. I'm sure I'll have a lot to talk about later. I do go to court on Monday so that will inspire one or two um... interesting things for me to say. But for now, I'll say it again... I'm happy.