Too long

It's been far too long since I've written about what is actually going on inside of me. I've written about outside events and even touched on how they make me feel but I haven't jumped into the WHY of it all. I'm not even sure if I know the why. All I know is that I feel so confused. Like so much is going on but at the same time things are standing still. I want things that I know I can't have, at least right now. I keep trying to keep my attention where it needs to be but the harder I try the harder it gets. I'm coming back to that time in my life where all I want is a hug. I want to be able to trust somebody to the point where I can just cry and be held. I suddenly love the feeling of tears running down my face. I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak, I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome. I know that my heart is hurting and I know that my soul, it aches and I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome. I HURT DAMN IT!!! I know this is an attack. I'm such an easy target. Everybody knows what I'm afraid of so it surely wouldn't take much work for the enemy to figure it out. I find myself tempted with things that seem to fill the void but I know they won't. What hurts even more is that when I'm weak and wanting to follow those temptations, I can't. I can't find what I think I want at the time, leaving me to feel that much more alone. I just need somebody I can talk to about love. Not in a mushy relationship kind of way but in a God kind of way. How He wants to be our first love, the one we turn to in every situation, our lover, healer, deliverer. He wants to be our everything and we just don't let him. If we could just shut up for a single minute and listen to Him we'd hear just a fraction of what He has to tell us and we'd be blown away for a good long time, just meditating on those few words. We'd hear about where we've come from, where we are, where we'll go... We'd hear the most romantic words. Words that would fill a lifetime of void. All that in just a minute. Can you imagine something so great? For Somebody to truly love our souls is such an amazing thing. I don't know that I could ever love somebody for exactly what they are at this very minute, not even knowing all the things they've done and thought in the past. I am just flabbergasted that He can. That he does. For everybody. Not just me and my nastiness, but for everybody. EVERYBODY!!! Are you hearing me? It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, He LOVES you on a level that you could never understand, even if you lived to be a thousand years old. I want more than anything to be caught up in that love. To feel His arms around me when I'm lonely and even when I'm not. To have His shoulder to cry on at a moments notice because He knows that I'm going to cry long before I do. Lord, please show me what it means to truly love and be loved. I want to give my all into the people around me, to help them, to show them love in a way that they have never seen.

Why?

Why is it that males in my life play me like a game? They start something and then just drop cold. It hurts. Half the time they don't realize what they're doing but thats no excuse. Just this morning I was wrapped in his arms, warm and happy. Now I'm alone again. He says he regrets it. Great, now I'm a regret, I love that. Right. I should just hole myself up and never talk to anybody again. If it weren't for my kids I think I'd do just that.

Not much

My heart just hurts and I'm lonely.

Sorry I don't have anything happier to say.

It's going to be a long 72 hours.

SNAFU

Situation Normal, All F'ed Up

I've discovered lately that when you really really want something, you're just never going to get it. And on the other side of the coin, when you don't really want something, it shows up right in front of you.

He's taken again and it isn't by me. Wanted it, didn't get it. No biggie though because I'm okay with it. This seems to come and go and it was time for it to go again.

My car window won't roll up. Not a huge deal right? It's covered with plastic right now but I still don't feel like I can drive it anywhere because lets face it, plastic and tape aren't very secure and people seem to like to jack stuff from my van. So my mom tells my grandpa that its broken so now he's paying to have it fixed. I didn't want this!!! I wanted to be a big girl and take care of it myself. I'm not complaining exactly, I just want to have some say in how my life runs.

Free ink. Chores. Saturday. Missing.

So, my mom was telling me last night how they were having a friend over to do some tattoo work on her jerk boyfriend. I thought that was really cool and was (maybe no so) secretly jealous because I want some stuff done. Well, she texted me later and said that they'd gotten started and oh... they're bringing her up here tomorrow! Yeah, to work on me! I'm so fricking excited that there just aren't words for it. I'm going to get a tree on my right ankle / calf to cover my previous tattoo and if there is time I'd like a pink ribbon on my left breast. And, if you can stand it, there is more excitement on top of all of this... *Somebody* said he'd design the tree for me!!! WOOT!

Of course this means that I have to have the house 100% clean by tomorrow. I'm on my 4th load of laundry already and my grandpa is coming over later to help me figure out how to connect the dishwasher to the sink (its portable). Once I can use the dishwasher I think things will be darn near perfect. Well, maybe not perfect but it will be an improvement.

Lexy will be playing at the Artichoke tomorrow. She is absolutely awesome and super cool and wonderful and fantastic and neat and great and fabulous adn on and on and on... I'm not even saying that because she put me on "the list" although that is just about as exciting as the free tattoos. A friend said that we need to party like we did last summer. I'm not sure if thats going to happen but it'd be great if it did. I sure don't think I'll drink like I did but we were all so happy, I want that back.

I really miss having my best friend. I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling about it and she blamed me because I don't just come over uninvited and she started talking to me like I was 5 years old and telling me everything that I do wrong. No thank you. I don't need that.

Hello...

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

How could a wonderful evening that ended in those words, spoken by Mandy Patinkin himself have ended so badly? I'll tell you how. I realized tonight that I've lost my best friend. Things have been weird between us for a few weeks now. We don't talk on the phone much and we hardly see each other but it was tonight when she said "When we were all hanging out last Friday..." and I wasn't part of the "all" that I knew she'd moved on. It hurts so bad. What do you do when you need to cry but the shoulder you used to cry on is the reason you're crying? I can't very well call her while crying and expect her to comfort me. Why can't things be the way they used to be? Why do they have to change?

That tingle

Not the good kind either. I'm talking about that tingle in your nose and that burning in your eyes that happens before you cry. I've had that all day. I just want to cry but I refuse to do it alone. I went to the house for the last time today and it was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. There was a LOT that I wanted that I didn't get to take. What hurt the most was when I saw our bed. We got that bed when my oldest was a newborn. The rest of our children were conceived in that bed. I brought babies home to that bed. Something about it just makes me sad. I was supposed to have a happily ever after damnit! It wasn't supposed to end this way. There is a part of myself that I will never recover from this wreckage. It's amazing how one minute you think you want something and the next minute you don't want it anymore.