BEST EVER!!!

I don't think I've had a weekend this good in a LONG time... if ever. It was a long week so when my neighbors offered to babysit, I said "Sure! Let me pack!" and off I went to Lawrence. I'd only planned to stay a few hours and come right back home but plans, they do change. The plan was to go to a barn dance and maybe chat with somebody I didn't really know. It turns out that this person and his friends happen to be wonderful! They included me in their group like I'd been there the whole time. We danced. Then we went to somebody's house while trying to decide what else to do. We eventually decided to go to a bar to see some band. It was fun but I and a few others were pretty hungry so after we left, we hit Perkins. Three of the four of us ordered the same thing and only one of us finished all of what we ordered (and then some lol). By this time it was like 2:30 in the morning and we were starting to get tired so we headed back to somebody's house where I'd been invited to crash. We all (7 of us I think) sat around talking and playing CatchPhrase. What a hoot! The time finally came for us to give in to sleep. I was so generously given the air mattress, comfy blankets and pillow so I thought I'd drift right off to dreamland.... NOPE! I tossed and turned for awhile, really wanting a glass of water but not wanting to wake anybody to get it, until I finally passed out. I didn't wake up until around 11am and started to feel bad that I wasn't back at home since I'd told the sitters I'd be back "around 1 or 2" meaning 9-10 hours before the current time. There was no way to get in touch with them though so I just decided to relax. We had breakfast and then I left to come home. I know it all sounds simple but it was just what I needed. I think I'll go back next month.

Too long

It's been far too long since I've written about what is actually going on inside of me. I've written about outside events and even touched on how they make me feel but I haven't jumped into the WHY of it all. I'm not even sure if I know the why. All I know is that I feel so confused. Like so much is going on but at the same time things are standing still. I want things that I know I can't have, at least right now. I keep trying to keep my attention where it needs to be but the harder I try the harder it gets. I'm coming back to that time in my life where all I want is a hug. I want to be able to trust somebody to the point where I can just cry and be held. I suddenly love the feeling of tears running down my face. I can see that my hands are trembling, I can see that my legs are weak, I can see that my head is spinning, but I will overcome. I know that my heart is hurting and I know that my soul, it aches and I know that it seems I'm failing, but I will overcome. I HURT DAMN IT!!! I know this is an attack. I'm such an easy target. Everybody knows what I'm afraid of so it surely wouldn't take much work for the enemy to figure it out. I find myself tempted with things that seem to fill the void but I know they won't. What hurts even more is that when I'm weak and wanting to follow those temptations, I can't. I can't find what I think I want at the time, leaving me to feel that much more alone. I just need somebody I can talk to about love. Not in a mushy relationship kind of way but in a God kind of way. How He wants to be our first love, the one we turn to in every situation, our lover, healer, deliverer. He wants to be our everything and we just don't let him. If we could just shut up for a single minute and listen to Him we'd hear just a fraction of what He has to tell us and we'd be blown away for a good long time, just meditating on those few words. We'd hear about where we've come from, where we are, where we'll go... We'd hear the most romantic words. Words that would fill a lifetime of void. All that in just a minute. Can you imagine something so great? For Somebody to truly love our souls is such an amazing thing. I don't know that I could ever love somebody for exactly what they are at this very minute, not even knowing all the things they've done and thought in the past. I am just flabbergasted that He can. That he does. For everybody. Not just me and my nastiness, but for everybody. EVERYBODY!!! Are you hearing me? It doesn't matter who you are or what you've done, He LOVES you on a level that you could never understand, even if you lived to be a thousand years old. I want more than anything to be caught up in that love. To feel His arms around me when I'm lonely and even when I'm not. To have His shoulder to cry on at a moments notice because He knows that I'm going to cry long before I do. Lord, please show me what it means to truly love and be loved. I want to give my all into the people around me, to help them, to show them love in a way that they have never seen.

Why?

Why is it that males in my life play me like a game? They start something and then just drop cold. It hurts. Half the time they don't realize what they're doing but thats no excuse. Just this morning I was wrapped in his arms, warm and happy. Now I'm alone again. He says he regrets it. Great, now I'm a regret, I love that. Right. I should just hole myself up and never talk to anybody again. If it weren't for my kids I think I'd do just that.

Not much

My heart just hurts and I'm lonely.

Sorry I don't have anything happier to say.

It's going to be a long 72 hours.

SNAFU

Situation Normal, All F'ed Up

I've discovered lately that when you really really want something, you're just never going to get it. And on the other side of the coin, when you don't really want something, it shows up right in front of you.

He's taken again and it isn't by me. Wanted it, didn't get it. No biggie though because I'm okay with it. This seems to come and go and it was time for it to go again.

My car window won't roll up. Not a huge deal right? It's covered with plastic right now but I still don't feel like I can drive it anywhere because lets face it, plastic and tape aren't very secure and people seem to like to jack stuff from my van. So my mom tells my grandpa that its broken so now he's paying to have it fixed. I didn't want this!!! I wanted to be a big girl and take care of it myself. I'm not complaining exactly, I just want to have some say in how my life runs.

Free ink. Chores. Saturday. Missing.

So, my mom was telling me last night how they were having a friend over to do some tattoo work on her jerk boyfriend. I thought that was really cool and was (maybe no so) secretly jealous because I want some stuff done. Well, she texted me later and said that they'd gotten started and oh... they're bringing her up here tomorrow! Yeah, to work on me! I'm so fricking excited that there just aren't words for it. I'm going to get a tree on my right ankle / calf to cover my previous tattoo and if there is time I'd like a pink ribbon on my left breast. And, if you can stand it, there is more excitement on top of all of this... *Somebody* said he'd design the tree for me!!! WOOT!

Of course this means that I have to have the house 100% clean by tomorrow. I'm on my 4th load of laundry already and my grandpa is coming over later to help me figure out how to connect the dishwasher to the sink (its portable). Once I can use the dishwasher I think things will be darn near perfect. Well, maybe not perfect but it will be an improvement.

Lexy will be playing at the Artichoke tomorrow. She is absolutely awesome and super cool and wonderful and fantastic and neat and great and fabulous adn on and on and on... I'm not even saying that because she put me on "the list" although that is just about as exciting as the free tattoos. A friend said that we need to party like we did last summer. I'm not sure if thats going to happen but it'd be great if it did. I sure don't think I'll drink like I did but we were all so happy, I want that back.

I really miss having my best friend. I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling about it and she blamed me because I don't just come over uninvited and she started talking to me like I was 5 years old and telling me everything that I do wrong. No thank you. I don't need that.

Hello...

My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die.

How could a wonderful evening that ended in those words, spoken by Mandy Patinkin himself have ended so badly? I'll tell you how. I realized tonight that I've lost my best friend. Things have been weird between us for a few weeks now. We don't talk on the phone much and we hardly see each other but it was tonight when she said "When we were all hanging out last Friday..." and I wasn't part of the "all" that I knew she'd moved on. It hurts so bad. What do you do when you need to cry but the shoulder you used to cry on is the reason you're crying? I can't very well call her while crying and expect her to comfort me. Why can't things be the way they used to be? Why do they have to change?

That tingle

Not the good kind either. I'm talking about that tingle in your nose and that burning in your eyes that happens before you cry. I've had that all day. I just want to cry but I refuse to do it alone. I went to the house for the last time today and it was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be. There was a LOT that I wanted that I didn't get to take. What hurt the most was when I saw our bed. We got that bed when my oldest was a newborn. The rest of our children were conceived in that bed. I brought babies home to that bed. Something about it just makes me sad. I was supposed to have a happily ever after damnit! It wasn't supposed to end this way. There is a part of myself that I will never recover from this wreckage. It's amazing how one minute you think you want something and the next minute you don't want it anymore.

First up, then down then start again.

I feel like a super bounce ball sometimes. Today started well, then went WAY downhill and now its pretty darn good again. I could handle it being a few degrees warmer outside and maybe having the guts to sing but other than that, its a good night. Scratch the warmer thing, I just want a hug :)

.

Sometimes it just feels good to cry. For no good reason. I really need a hug and it seems like it will be forever until I get one... if I get one at all.

Guh

I've been journaling a lot more on paper lately. I cut my hair. Short. Ultra short actually. And it's red now. Ultra red actually. It wasn't supposed to be this red but I kind of like it. I enjoy being able to shower at night without the worry of my hair molding while I sleep. I love running my fingers through my hair. It really is amazing. I guess that is one of the simple pleasures of life. I'm finding that with the short hair I'm becoming way more girly. Not in my actions because I think I'd reached the peak of girliness there but in my appearance. I bought lip gloss today! Can you believe that? Lip gloss! What is the world coming to? Have I mentioned the high heels? I bought two pairs of high heels (well, one pair are actually wedges... but still). WTF? Then again I bought those before I cut my hair so maybe its not my hairs fault. My poor laptop is broken. Badly. I won't name names of who did it *coughtimothycough* but I'm pretty steamed. I'm going to have to see if it'll be covered under warenty. If not, I guess I get to work on a broken laptop. I'm babysitting a cute little guy. He's 2.5 and just adorable. And smart. I'm loving it. I'm not sure if this is a paying gig or not. I'm not sure how to bring that up. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes.

Sigh

I asked. I didn't even get rejected, I just didn't get an answer. Thats almost worse. I just wanted somebody to talk to...

Easy. Or not!

It's been a rough week. I think its all sinking in. Single mom. New school year. No money. All alone. It's all a bit too much for me right now it seems. It's pitch black out here and God is whispering to me on the wind. This is exactly what I need, if I'd just let myself take what He is giving. I wish I had somebody to sit next to me, to just listen to me say nothing, to pray over me, to let me be me without trying to change me. I want to ask somebody to come sit with me but I'm scared. It will likely look like something it isn't if I do this

Goodbye

It hurts to say goodbye. Almost a physical pain. Even if you're only saying goodbye to an imagination. I did it because I had to. It is a sacrifice. It was holding me back. I might be sad now but I'll be happier in the end. I completely cut it out, there is not a trace left. Please let it stop hurting.

Once again

I started a new journal tonight. I thought I was completely honest here but I found myself having to think of special ways to say things because you just never know who might be reading. I'm okay with that for the most part. I'll still post here and share little bits of my life since I know SO many people care to read it. But the new one... I can be completely open, I can share the intimate details of my life. I can laugh and cry and talk about all the down deep dirty things of my being. It's nice.

Coffee

I had coffee with a male today. It was very comfortable and natural, even if we talked about some pretty weird things. I really like being comfortable with people. I know that sounds much like a "duh" statement but I know a few people who like the awkward conversation you get with a stranger. This was like sitting down with somebody I've known for a bit and just chatting. When we weren't talking, it wasn't uncomfortable at all. I would knit and he was sketching. Somebody asked me if there was a spark. I really don't know if there was or not, I wasn't looking for it. I'm just content having friendships right now, I don't need more. Yes, I WANT more, but I don't need it and I've come to a place where I'm starting to want what I need. I think that might mean that I'm starting to want God's will. Not that I haven't always wanted it on a superficial level. I think most Christians say "I want God's will for my life" but I'm not sure they all mean it, especially when it comes to not getting something their flesh wants. I won't lie, my flesh would love a warm body next to me in bed, arms around me and all kinds of physical affection. After all, physical touch is my love language. It's how I show and receive love the most effectively. I love hugs. I love kisses. I love holding hands. I love it when you walk by me and touch my shoulder as you pass. But right now that just isn't what I need. Not in a romantic way at least. Anyhow, coffee was nice and I'd like to do something like that again sometime.

Oh my mercy!

You just wouldn't believe the extreme embarrassment I had to endure today. I don't even know if I can put words to it. Lets just say that a secret I'd kept pretty close to my heart was spilled today. I just want to crawl into a hole. I've been told not to be embarrassed about it but I can't see how thats even an option. I'm going to walk around for the next oh.... year and a half with a completely bright red face. We're talking like 9 shades of red. I'm thinking that I might try to lay low for a time. I don't know how well that will actually work though. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Throw a guh and a spluh in there too. Oh and an oh my goodness goodness too.

Why just one?

I just heard one singular sound on TV and it hit me hard. It wasn't a voice speaking or singing, it wasn't any kind of music at all. It was the sound of keys landing on a table. It made me realize that I miss the sound of somebody coming home to me. Not that I miss any certain person, just that I miss having a best friend to share the rest of my life with. Don't get me wrong, I have a best friend that I can tell anything, what I don't have is a male counterpart. I don't even want a romantic relationship per se, I just want somebody who can give me a different point of view. Scratch that, someday I DO want romance. I want to be swept off my feet and chased, even after I'm caught. I am however very leary of entering into a romantic type relationship. Not only because of my own hesitation but because of my child. You see, my child has been asking when they will have a step dad. I finally asked why there was such concern about this and was met with a painfully unexpected answer. I was informed that "now that you and Daddy aren't married anymore, that means that he isn't my daddy now." As hard as it was, I stuck up for their Daddy. I reinforced the fact that yes, he was still their daddy, always would be and would always love them. And then I heard the comment that would rip out my heart. My child said "Then why doesn't he come visit us?" I can't get into something that would hurt them. I'm so very torn. I want companionship. I want romance. I want passion. I want love. Yet, I feel so held back because I refuse to let my children get hurt for some paltry quest of mine. Nothing will ever come before my children. I live for them. I would die for them. Sometimes I just wonder what the "right" thing to do is.

It's about darn time

It's 2pm (ish) and I'm just now getting around to posting here. It was a somewhat busy morning. I forgot that I had a doctor's appointment so we had to find two shoes for everybody and you just have no clue how hard that can be. I know, it sounds easy but in reality it isn't. I had to stop and get some gas money from a family member because I wasn't sure I could actually make it to and from the doc's office. Anyhow, I'm apparently 6 pounds lighter than I was 3 months ago. I think thats insane because I've actually put on quite a bit of weight. Oh well, we'll go with the 6lb loss :) I had blood work done of course. I saw an old friend as we were leaving and that was nice. Now on to the old news...

My court date. It went way better than I could have imagined. It's still not over and got continued... again. But the fact that the Respondent didn't show up spoke volumes. Couple that with the fact that the Respondent has shown proof that they have lied about some things, my case is looking better and better. Right now, if nothing changes, I'm conservatively expected to have a 75% chance of getting what I want. I like that.

What is going on with a certain male. This is where I try with all of my ability to NOT be girly. I usually fail. Miserably. I giggle and turn red. I lose words. Apparently I wasn't correct in my assumption of his availability. I also think that when I saw hurt in his eyes that I was right. I know he'll probably never tell me, but thats what I think. He is apparently "a little heartbroken" right now. He is also "single" and looking for "dating" or "a relationship" as well as "friends." I'm not sure I fit into any of those places. Not saying I don't wish like mad that I did though. I'd love to at least be his friend but we'll see... His mom told me I looked like a princess at church on Sunday. That was nice. I really like her, she's about the neatest woman I know right now.

In other news... I knit now!!! A friend taught me how to on Monday. I'm making a washcloth with a mother and baby on it right now. I was something like 9 rows into it and the boys frogged the whole thing so I got to start over. Thats okay, I started again with smaller needles and I'm really liking how it looks. I'm loving the ability to create something with my hands. I've looked for a hobby for so long and I'm so glad to have found it. When I'm done, I'll take pictures. I might even post them here. I just don't know, it depends on how it looks.

Late

Tomorrow I need to remember to write about a few things.

* My court date.
* What is going on with a certain male.
* ...

Okay, maybe there are only two things for me to write about. So far that is. It's just so late and I'm totally wiped out.

A different him this time

So he thinks he's so generous. He feels so proud of himself, "like a giant" because he is helping strangers. WHAT ABOUT HIS CHILDREN?!?! It's great that he gives strangers rides in bad neighborhoods and gives strangers money but why has he not paid a drop of child support? He can afford to drop a tank of gas on a late night drive but he can't give money so his kids have what they need? He buys school supplies but doesn't bother to look at the list and buys mostly unusable junk, leaving me to return / replace it. If you split the money my family has until next month it would leave us each with $1. I'm not even lying about that. We have $4 to survive for the next week. That doesn't bother me as much as it sounds like it does. We'll make it. What bothers me the most is that he just doesn't care about his kids. He's fighting for shared custody and yet he can't call to ask about them? He can't send a text message? He can't message me online or email? It isn't like there is no way to contact us, in reality we are very easy to reach. Then I ask him if he wants to see the boys tonight. Of course it was because I wanted to go to church. I guess the thought of "helping" me that scares him away from seeing the kids because he told me he had plans at 7. Thats all well and good but then I see blog posts from him at 7:12. I guess his big plans were going to BK to use the internet. He chose stupid technology over his kids... again. It really shouldn't surprise me I guess but it still hurts. The absolute worst part is that I was stupid enough to mention seeing him to the kids. I should know from my own childhood to just stay quiet until its actually happening but I failed. Now I know how my mom must have felt. It sucks. Bad.

No, I don't have to

He just signed on. I know I've said that its over, that I don't care about him anymore but I see his name there and I wonder if I lied. I may or may not still get a small flutter in my stomach when I think about him. But he doesn't want to even be my friend, or so it seems. I try to reach out and be friendly but he won't open up. He doesn't answer me when I talk to him. If by some chance he does say anything, its just a simple answer. There is no conversation there, just questions and answers, sometimes. Why can't I just be open to him and say something like "Why can't I be your friend?" Because its lame, thats why. I should be used to lame, but something in me tries to avoid it, and usually fails. I don't even know why I like him. I don't know him. I just feel drawn to him for some reason. Why? I don't find him "hot" or "sexy." I'm not in any way sexually attracted to him. Maybe I do just want to be his friend. But seeing him worship makes me think that I want to be with him. Or somebody like him maybe. I want somebody who loves to worship and can do it freely. I want somebody who has a passion for Jesus. Who loves Him with more than words. I think I may be a little "different" if you will but sometimes I can see things in people. It's very true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I can see pain and joy in people. I think it weirds them out though because on the few occasions I've called them on it I don't get the most positive responses. I wonder if I should just keep my mouth shut. Or maybe work on a better way to tell people what I see. But really, I lean more in the direction of keeping my mouth shut. Sigh. Why can't I just talk to him?

I like You. You're neat!

It was a good day at church. I've started going to both morning services since I can't go to Sunday evening service. I'm consumed by the love of worship lately. It's amazing how just a short amount of time can change how you react to the Spirit and the same songs.

First service: The songs were all happy songs. Nothing deep or moving per se, just happy. And yet I cried. No. I bawled. I wanted to rejoice and be glad but my heart hurt. I tried to hold back but I couldn't and I just sobbed. It was all I could do and it was a great release.

Second service: Same songs. Still happy. The difference was this time, I was happy too. Before we started worshiping, I had every intention of crying again. I thought thats what I wanted. In fact, it IS what I wanted, its just not what God wanted of me. There were still tears but they came from happiness.

I LOVE how God can change a heart so quickly. I'm still in somewhat of a funk but I'm not worried about it. I know I'll come through it and see the other side. I just hope that I can stay focused while I am in the valley and not give way to over reacting.

Saturday

Today is one of those days where I'm just in awe of the simplicity of life. Other than the laptop and one singular light over the kitchen sink, there is nothing electric running in the house. It is sunny outside and that is flooding through the windows. The kids are cleaning their rooms... wait for it... happily. I'm sitting here, content with life. There are things I want but really, I'm happy. It's like God is just surrounding me with peace and I really like that. I have a dopey smile on my face :) I had a simple lunch of a bowl of rice. It's times like these when I wish I sang. I feel like I could just burst out in song. I don't know what song, but just something loud and soulful. For once in a long time, I don't even long to be with friends. I'm happy with our little family day. I think thats what it is that is making me happy today. It reminds me of my childhood. Here I am, with my kids, in the house where I grew up, spending a Saturday the way I did as a child, just having an easy day. I realize that I keep saying the same things over and over. I'm happy. But its all I have in me to type right now. I don't know what else to say. I love days where I don't have to do anything, that I can just sit here and think and play with my kids and just... be. I'm sure I'll have a lot to talk about later. I do go to court on Monday so that will inspire one or two um... interesting things for me to say. But for now, I'll say it again... I'm happy.